My roommates are jerks.

Get a load of how the idiots have been feeding me lately! What the hell is this all about?  There's a perfectly good bowl right there!  These guys are unbelievable.

Saturday

Sorry I've been missing in action for so long. I had to babysit my family. I was kind of warned about what my weekend at the beach was going to entail, but boy was it SO much worse than I prepared for.

First of all, when I woke up Saturday I was taken to the groomer. Sure, I couldn't see because my hair was in my eyes, but you really had to take me to see some weirdo dog groomer? What sort of pansy needs to be blow dryed after a bath? Not this guy. I thought we agreed my "trainer" was the last weirdo you'd leave me with?

So next we go to hang out with a bunch of creeps at the beach. My uncles are absolutely insane. They made my cousins battle to the death. One of my roommates has bruises on 80% of her body and a stab wound on her foot from stepping on a broken bottle. What kind of sick people do things with a high chance of stepping on a broken bottle? I was SO glad my grandma came to pick me up before things escalated... I don't even want to know what happened after I left those lunatics.

I finally make it to safety and snuggle into bed with Lion, and what do you know, my aunt bombs in the house at 2 am and turns all the lights on and wakes me up. Yes Chelsea, I'm talking about you. Do you have any idea how confusing it is for me to be woken up? I'm just getting the hang of sleeping... now this? Can't a pup catch a break?

What a mess. Anyways, I'm back and I have a LOT to fill you in on. These schmucks also took me to Chinatown. Do you know how dangerous that is for someone like me? Stay tuned.

My teeth...

The stupid things keep falling out of my mouth... Uhhh guys? I kinda need you to hang in there. The people I live with REFUSE to serve me wet food so teeth are 100% necessary for me to eat. This better not happen again, I'm not ready for a geriatric lifestyle.

Learning.



My trip to Cape Cod

Aren't those beaches on Cape Cod great?!  Well.. aren't they?  I sure as hell wouldn't know. These two roommates of mine dragged me down there for the weekend and went to a beach that didn't allow dogs. Oh, Really?  "doesn't allow dogs?" I weigh 9 pounds. They couldn't sneak me in?  Apparently the 14 year old pimpled doofus working the security checkpoint at the town beach was too intimidating for them to attempt it. I had to stay behind at the house with "grandma" #5 like a toddler. Thanks, guys.  OH, ALSO - thanks for blasting "call me maybe" all the way home on the highway with the windows open.  You guys are so cool I can barely stand it. FML.

My Cousin

So, my cousin Chewy from Texas was supposed to come visit me at the beach next weekend with the rest of my moms creepy family for their Family "Olympics" (I've met most of these people, they are NOT athletes). ANYWAYS. I was so excited to have someone to discuss politics and some of life's finer things with while those fools run around like baboons, but now Chewy can't come anymore. Look at him. He's so upset he can't even get out of bed.

Two can be upset about this. If he's not going, I'm not going.

Happy Friday, America!

I wish I had thumbs...

ummmm HELLOOOO can someone please give me a hair cut so I can see?? How do these morons not notice I have hair growing directly in front of my eyes? If I had opposable thumbs, I'd just do it myself... but NOOOO I'm stuck depending on tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber.

ALSO please keep me away from America's degenerates. Last night I took one of my roommates for a walk to show her a statue of Paul Revere. Just as we walk out of the apartment, two crack heads in their 60's start screeching about how cute I am and "OH MUH GAWWWWDDDD WHAT IS HEEEEEE???" as cigarette smoke comes pouring out of their collapsing black lungs... is this real life? Because I'm seriously beginning to wonder.
What is he? I'm a dog. Is that not clear?

Let's talk about these pictures..

The picture taking around here is out of control. Every time I turn around, my two wannabe paparazzi roommates are taking an action shot of me or begging me to sit still so they can snap a photo on their fancy smart phones.  I'm a puppy.  Get over it.

BANG

These idiots STILL shoot off this stupid cannon twice a day, despite my repeated complaints.  What are they shooting at?  I've been dragged all over the city for 12 days now and I haven't seen a single red coat. Sure looks like the war's over, guys. Give it a rest already. If they're looking for someone to shoot at, I suggest the sweaty hairy unkempt mess of a human who delivers mail to my house everyday. That slob makes so much noise! Once I learn how to bark I'm really going to let him have it.

5 nights at the beach

After 5 long days rolling around at the beach, I think it goes without saying that I smelled... wellll... frankly, I STUNK. After that weird kindergarten guy finally left me alone, I grabbed my baby shampoo and towel and headed to my aunts house for a nice relaxing bath. Just as I'm settling in, my creepy mom got IN the tub with me and started spraying and shampooing me. Ummm, hello? This is my time. Have I ever jumped in the shower with you? No. Sure, I lay on the bath mat while you're in there. But it's just to make sure that stupid squeaky raccoon doesn't try to get you. I'm protecting you man.

School is SO TIRING..

So, I started "kindergarten". The two schmucks I live with invited some guy to come over and teach me a few tricks yesterday.  Boy, was this guy a genius. All he did was give me food when I sat down and yell weird words at me.  Yeah, I'll sit down for food.  Who wouldn't?  We all like food.  Sitting down isn't hard - I sit down for free all the time. I had no problem with the "sitting lesson".  Things got weird toward the end of class though.  This guy started throwing my toys all around the place and expecting ME to go get them!  Who does this clown he think he is!? Stop messing with my toys. What a jerk.

Want to know what's so cool about the tall ships?

Nothing.  Nothing at all. There is NOTHING cool about the tall ships.  They're just old boats with crews made up of D-list sailors who aren't capable of handling real assignments in the Navy so they float around on old boats dressed up like idiots.  Nice costumes, guys.  The only people more pathetic than these morons are the thousands of fannypack wearing clowns who come to MY neighborhood to gawk at the boats and try to pet me.  Stop trying to pet me on the street. I don't like you.