Happy Friday, America!

I wish I had thumbs...

ummmm HELLOOOO can someone please give me a hair cut so I can see?? How do these morons not notice I have hair growing directly in front of my eyes? If I had opposable thumbs, I'd just do it myself... but NOOOO I'm stuck depending on tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber.

ALSO please keep me away from America's degenerates. Last night I took one of my roommates for a walk to show her a statue of Paul Revere. Just as we walk out of the apartment, two crack heads in their 60's start screeching about how cute I am and "OH MUH GAWWWWDDDD WHAT IS HEEEEEE???" as cigarette smoke comes pouring out of their collapsing black lungs... is this real life? Because I'm seriously beginning to wonder.
What is he? I'm a dog. Is that not clear?

Let's talk about these pictures..

The picture taking around here is out of control. Every time I turn around, my two wannabe paparazzi roommates are taking an action shot of me or begging me to sit still so they can snap a photo on their fancy smart phones.  I'm a puppy.  Get over it.

BANG

These idiots STILL shoot off this stupid cannon twice a day, despite my repeated complaints.  What are they shooting at?  I've been dragged all over the city for 12 days now and I haven't seen a single red coat. Sure looks like the war's over, guys. Give it a rest already. If they're looking for someone to shoot at, I suggest the sweaty hairy unkempt mess of a human who delivers mail to my house everyday. That slob makes so much noise! Once I learn how to bark I'm really going to let him have it.

5 nights at the beach

After 5 long days rolling around at the beach, I think it goes without saying that I smelled... wellll... frankly, I STUNK. After that weird kindergarten guy finally left me alone, I grabbed my baby shampoo and towel and headed to my aunts house for a nice relaxing bath. Just as I'm settling in, my creepy mom got IN the tub with me and started spraying and shampooing me. Ummm, hello? This is my time. Have I ever jumped in the shower with you? No. Sure, I lay on the bath mat while you're in there. But it's just to make sure that stupid squeaky raccoon doesn't try to get you. I'm protecting you man.

School is SO TIRING..

So, I started "kindergarten". The two schmucks I live with invited some guy to come over and teach me a few tricks yesterday.  Boy, was this guy a genius. All he did was give me food when I sat down and yell weird words at me.  Yeah, I'll sit down for food.  Who wouldn't?  We all like food.  Sitting down isn't hard - I sit down for free all the time. I had no problem with the "sitting lesson".  Things got weird toward the end of class though.  This guy started throwing my toys all around the place and expecting ME to go get them!  Who does this clown he think he is!? Stop messing with my toys. What a jerk.

Want to know what's so cool about the tall ships?

Nothing.  Nothing at all. There is NOTHING cool about the tall ships.  They're just old boats with crews made up of D-list sailors who aren't capable of handling real assignments in the Navy so they float around on old boats dressed up like idiots.  Nice costumes, guys.  The only people more pathetic than these morons are the thousands of fannypack wearing clowns who come to MY neighborhood to gawk at the boats and try to pet me.  Stop trying to pet me on the street. I don't like you.