Greetings from Guantanamo Bay, Maine where they've started forcing Betty and I to sleep in a small jail cell. What the hell did I do to deserve this!? No explanation. No trial. No legal representation. Nothing. They just threw me right in the clink. If pupperoni wasn't so delicious I would start a hunger strike.
Welp, I got my first toy. Check her out! Her name is Betty. My soon to be adoptive parents sent her up to Maine to hang out with me. Apparently, they have had her sleeping in bed with them (perverts!) and spending a lot of time with her so that I'll be accustomed to their scent when I move down to Boston in a few weeks.
Let me tell ya - Betty reeks of nothing but vodka, body odor and hot dogs. Woof. You've got to be kidding me. Is this a practical joke? Who are these idiots anyway? I hope they can pull it together for my arrival.
So I've been alive for 3 weeks. THREE. and today is the first time my "father" has come to visit. Talk about being an absent parent. Jerk. I didn't realize I was born in Harlem...
I wanted to take a moment to introduce you all to my roommate Huckleberry. He's the little guy lying next to me in this picture. He may look all cute and adorable, but make no mistake about it - I don't like huckleberry one bit. I actually can't stand this guy. He constantly wants to snuggle with me, he hogs the bed and he tries to eat all of my food. Worst of all, and excuse me for being a little crass, but worst of all - he is the gassiest dog I have ever been around. We're talking wet smelly dog farts. It's disgusting. I like "taco tuesday" as much as the next guy, but come on, Huck. Have a little class, will ya? Bad dog.
Ya know what really butters my bread? Unnecessarily gross words. Fluids? Moist? Slacks? Sandwiches? There HAD to be a better way to go about that... Nothing good comes from any of these words...
Fluids - A substance that has no fixed shape and yields easily to external pressure... no fixed shape? yields easily to pressure?
Moist - I'm not even defining this one. It doesn't deserve any of our time.
Sandwiches and Slacks - How does your mouth feel when you force those words out? Hmm?? You want to brush your teeth, dont you?
Well, I did it - I finally opened my eyes... and I found a mirror. This is awkward, but holy cow - I am cuter than all of you. This is awesome. Anyway, I'm incredibly bored here in Maine for the next 6 weeks until I head to the North End of Boston. Seriously - who goes to Maine? It's practically Canada. People don't even joke about going to Canada. There's nothing to do up here but mess around with my siblings and frankly, I've had enough of their antics so I've been surfing the world wide web all day. Check out this idiot.. you have to see this.
Ooooohhhhh... That's going to leave a mark. No Jeopardy scholarship for you, pal. Good luck with your student loans. Woof.
Don't forget to subscribe to my blog and tell your friends about it! I have a lot of time on my hands up here and I have a lot on my mind. I'll be posting my thoughts on a daily basis.
So the suckers around the corner from my new home got THIS today.
They claim he's going to "protect" them if anyone tries to mess with them. HA. HA. HA.
Nice costume, clown. I wouldn't be caught DEAD in a shark suit. You think YOU could protect anyone? Only a fairy would wear a costume. C'mon son, pull yourself together.
I don't know whose idea this was, but I think we all know how I feel about this photo shoot... As soon as I can open my eyes, someone WILL pay for this.
So my aunt decided she was going to have her puppies 6 days after my birth. What gives? No one is paying any attention to me anymore and frankly, I don't like it. I don't remember asking for cousins in my first weeks of life. This house isn't big enough for the 12 of us.
Ugh, so get this... I just found out the two morons adopting me went to Friendly's for lunch today. Friendly's. Is this some sort of practical joke?? That place oozes heart attacks. They're laying on the couch with belly aches and wondering why? Idiots. If this is any indication of what the rest of my life is going to be like, I want to go back.
Sorry I've been MIA since my birth... It's been really hectic over here. I've been camped out at the dinner table for the past few days because these SCAVENGERS I call siblings have been hogging all the milk. What gives? I thought we were all in this together? Well two (six) can play this game. I'm parking it right here and not moving until all the food is gone. How do you like that?
What an 8 weeks. You think you've had a rough April? Try being stuck with 5 other puppies inside a small, warm, dark cave. I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters... and I'll be honest with you, I could use a little personal space at this point. Do you have ANY idea how chatty and gossipy 3 girls can be when stuck in a confined space for long stretches of time? You still want to complain to me?
ANYWAYS, less about you, more about me. So for starters, I was born! Finally! I know the world has been waiting for this moment for a long time. So in short, you're welcome.
No one seems even remotely interested in photographing me just yet, and frankly I don't blame them. Don't get me wrong, I'm adorable... I just need a bath and to get myself ready for the world. I'm hungry so I'm going to head back to the rest of the pack. I'll be sure to log in later and update you on the goings on here in Maine.
